KaleidoKleio

Saturday, June 24, 2006

I HATE BIRDS!!


A FUCKING PIGEON SHIT ON MY HEAD!!

So there I was, on my way to HMV to buy some vinyls for my P. I stopped at a cashpoint on my way and was just about to pull my money out when I suddenly felt three thumps on the top of my head. I brushed the air around my head thinking it was a bug or something and turned to the people standing behind me in the queue (about four) and said, "What was that?!" They were all just looking at me with these vacant looks on their face - that typical Londoner impersonal expression that makes me want to smack people left, right, and centre. Then I touched the top of my head, and lo and behond, it was wet! I looked at my hand and it was covered in thick liquidy green and brown diarrhea! I was like "Shit!" and looked at the people behind me and they all still had those damn stoic looks on their faces. Zero reaction! If that was you, and someone standing right in front of you suddenly had a handful of bird poo fall on their head, wouldn't you react? At least laugh!! If it was me, I would have been like "holy shit a bird just shit on you!" and then offer some sort of empathy, and, of course, laugh a bit! But no. Bloody Londoners. Don't react to shit. Literally.

Anyway, as for me, with lots of cursing and close to tears, with my hands covered in shit, I managed to get my money out, put my wallet away, and head to the nearest McDonald's. I grabbed some napkins on my way down to the toilet and I rubbed my head and the napkin was totally covered in green shit! Oh, and by now, as the heavy wet shit was settling in, it felt nice and warm on my scalp. Ready to vomit yet?

So I went down to the toilet, and my luck the sinks were in a mixed area for men and women. And to top it all off, it had those annoying, as Seinfeld calls them "Alcatraz style" faucets - where they don't actually let you control the water flow. You have to touch this little circle on the wall and water spurts out for about 10 seconds. I was oblivious to everyone in the room and got started on my mission. First washed my hands like five times. Then I stuck my head over the faucet and essentially took a shower over the sink. The shit came pouring off and into the sink - there was sooooooo much!! I don't even know if people noticed or were wondering what I was doing. I used soap and just kept rubbing it clean. I have short hair, by the way, which is a blessing because it makes it easy to wash in a sink. But still - it was certainly caked in there. Once I got it out of my hair I turned around and found a bit on the back of my shirt. Fucking hell. Oh, and the McDonald's toilets had no napkins, so I actually had to get the piece off my back (which was hardening and keeping it's clean rounded shape) with my fingers!! Then washed my shirt and my hands another ten times. Suffice it to say, by then I was soaking wet. And I still had my headphone wires around my neck!

Then of course, the hand dryers were barely working. I kept holding my hands under and they wouldn't turn on. So finally I was like, fuck it! I went out into the main McDonald's dining area soaking wet, with water dripping down my head and neck and back, and got a huge pile of napkins and went back into the bathroom to dry off.

And mind you, not one person paid me any mind. Nobody even looked. I guess that's a good thing, but it says a lot about how Londoners just don't give a shit about anyone around them.

Of course I went straight home to shower and had to forego HMV. I had to pass by the same bank on my way home and I looked up on the ledge above the cashpoint where the bird had aimed from and there were like 5 pigeons up there and I swear to god, as I passed, one of them was looking at me and chuckling to himself. I SWEAR!!

I used about half a new bottle of shampoo and nearly a full bar of soap to get myself clean. What a traumatic day.

Is this enough evidence to show the world that me and birds just do NOT get along? I've had so many strange encounters with pigeons. I have had about three actually bump into my head while walking down the street (once in Paris, once in Prague, and once in Venice). Meanwhile I don't treat them with much respect either. P calls me a bird smasher. I have run over so many with my car (not intentionally - it's just that the birds in Surra are bloody retarded). One actually commit harakiri by smashing itself against my winshield (also a Surra bird). But so you see, the feeling is mutual.

Only positive thing about the Avian Flu - the notion that one day there might not be any more birds in this world. Honestly, what purpose do birds serve on Earth (and I don't count penguins in there of course because they don't fly)? And don't give me the whole "well we eat poultry so they do serve a purpose" shit because I just can't believe that these creatures that cause us so much trauma were created just for the sake of becoming a McNugget.

I was told by a friend tonight that a bird shitting on your head is meant to be good luck. Didn't feel much like good luck to me - until, of course, France won and made it into the knock-out stage! So all you French supporters have me and my shit caked head to thank for that one.

19 Comments:

  • Hmmm....as they say, "Shit happens" my dear. And what's with all these expletives- another by-product of London, I presume?! Really sorry to hear about your experience with the merde. Yeah..London folk are a pretty indifferent bunch, but hey, nobody's perfect, at least they didn't burst out laughing!

    By Anonymous guzman el bueno, at 6/24/2006 4:43 pm  

  • WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND PIGEONS??? That is just too weird - and bloody hilarious, too!!! I can't believe no one laughed or said anything! You know if I was there I would be peeing in my pants laughing, if that makes you feel any better! Hahahahahaha!!! The way these birds and beetles are attracted to you is like nothing I have ever seen. For those of you who have not experienced this side of kleio - she is NOT exaggerating! For example, we were once walking down the street in London... Not many pigeons around. But then, out of nowhere, one dive bombs aiming right for her head... She ducks out of the way and continues talking like this is an everyday occurence! It then happened again not five minutes later while we were sitting in an outdoor restaurant! That was AFTER the crazy woman who walked right into me and then told ME to watch where I was going - remember kleio??? Looooooooooool!!! Crazy Londoners ;)

    By Blogger Raine, at 6/24/2006 4:50 pm  

  • Yes it is good luck and if you were pregnant it would have meant a baby boy. Any way just thank god it was not a beetle ..... on your head.
    They say if you are afraid from things they happen to you, just like me animal phobia and everyone I know has a pet:)

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6/24/2006 7:14 pm  

  • Hahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahha! Enough laughter for you? ;) I only laugh because it's happened to me so I know the feeling. I was in France at the time and nobody reacted there either (other than my brothers who were having a field day with it). At least you weren't in Kuwait at the time...you wouldn't have heard the end of it.

    By Blogger Tooomz, at 6/24/2006 7:22 pm  

  • those shits are toxic... good riddance...

    but god! birds freak me out... hate 'em... esp. pigeons!!

    i had to keep a supply of rubber erasers on my bed stand so that i'd hit the window where the friggin' pigeons sit and have chay il tha7a!!! never had a peaceful morning sleep... until i discovered earplugs :P

    *hands kleio a pack of wetones*

    By Anonymous badlydrawnwoman, at 6/24/2006 8:00 pm  

  • Guzman: I apologise for all the expletives, but I think under the circumstances it's excusable! :) And I might have been too harsh on Londoners yesterday when I wrote the post - at least half are very nice and friendly! But again, under yesterday's circumstances...

    Raine: I immediately thought of you and red the minute I realized what had happened. And I knew that if you guys were there you both woud have been rolling around on the pavement laughing. I can sooo picture it. Red would get that Fawlty Towers style breathless screechy laugh, and you would have to squat down (like that time at Target, remember?).

    What about the time I was nearly pecked to death by 200+ pigeons in the Old Town Square in Prague (not the time we went, but I told you the story).

    Anonymous: Are you who I think you are?? :) If so, FINALLY you commented! And if you are, then the funny thing is that I've had soooo many beetle incidents with you near me. At work on the bench when it was nearly inside my pants (!!), at the exhibition, IN YOUR OFFICE (!!!!), etc. As for the animal phobia, at least Lola doesn't shit on your head when you come over! :)

    Tooomz: Funny you should mention it because I wondered what would have happened if I had been in Kuwait. I know for a fact that people would have been so much more helpful - but the fashla would be like 100-fold! Can you imagine?!

    bdw: Toxic?? Seriously? In what way? Is my brain going to get infected with bird excrement?? 3ad I really need my brain right now as I'm working on my dissertation! :) Love the eraser strategy! Our neighbours in Kuwait have a rooster that crows from 3am onwards and I swear sometimes I want to run out of the house and strangle it. My dad wants it dead too.

    Thanks for the wetones - really could have used them yesterday! ;)

    By Blogger Kleio, at 6/24/2006 10:18 pm  

  • lol i hate anything that crows too...

    ehehehe excuse my source of info... but i read in a franz ferdinand interview that a large amount of pigeon shit can be bad for you... toooooxic...

    i read this this morning...
    "The female pigeon cannot lay eggs if she is alone. In order for her ovaries to function, she must be able to see another pigeon. If no other pigeon is available, her own reflection in a mirror will suffice."

    LOL! ksaraw kha6ry...

    By Anonymous badlydrawnwoman, at 6/25/2006 10:01 am  

  • hahahahahaha! That is too funny! Another testament to how thick they are ;) But like bdw, ksaraw kha6ry!!! :)

    By Blogger Raine, at 6/25/2006 10:42 am  

  • Ksaraw kha6irkom??? If I may add one more expletive to this post: Yakloon khara!!! (The birds, I mean.) I'M the one who should have kisart kha6irkom! :) That's so funny though. So here's the plan to make the pigeon species extict - isolate them during egg-laying season, so she can't see any other pigeons and won't lay eggs! An easy way to do that - blind the bastards, one by one! They are rats with wings. I can't wait till I get to Kuwait, so I can torment them with my car. Yeeeeeaaahh...who's shitting on who now, suckaaaaaaaa!!

    By Blogger Kleio, at 6/25/2006 1:04 pm  

  • kleio: maybe we should try to look at you from birds-eye view...possibly from the top of some building. you might have a red circular birthmark which looks like a bullseye that the rest of us dont see!

    raine: i have witnessed MANY of kleio's encounters with beetles and birds as well...they smell her fear

    By Anonymous edo rex, at 6/25/2006 11:25 pm  

  • I'm glad my torment is amusing to you. :) But it is kinda funny, isn't it? Tee hee.

    By Blogger Kleio, at 6/27/2006 12:59 am  

  • OH MY GOD! THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! Cleaning off toxic birdshit at McDonald's. I can just see the hysteria. Nobody in that shared bathroom stood a chance!! When my A lived at home, he had pigeons on all the window sills. They would wake him up every morning. They drove him absolutely crazy. He would have to pile pillows on his head to block out the sound. Now he can do the perfect imitation of the pigeon coo. I think the family poisoned them all in the end. We're talking mass murder on a holocaust scale.

    By Anonymous red, at 6/27/2006 11:55 am  

  • Good - we need more families like that taking an interest in...well...the environment. :) Doing things for the good of mankind. If more people in this world poisoned pigeons, we would be living on a much happier and safer planet.

    By Blogger Kleio, at 6/27/2006 7:39 pm  

  • Tell him I need to hear the coo. :) And he hasn't done C.W.'s "Uh huh!" in a long time as well.

    By Blogger Kleio, at 6/27/2006 7:39 pm  

  • Ooh I can definitely imagine! ;) Check my blog for post dedicated to you :P

    By Blogger Tooomz, at 6/27/2006 11:21 pm  

  • LOOOOOOL thank you love! Hey, when am I gonna see you?

    By Blogger Kleio, at 6/28/2006 1:17 am  

  • you scare me. birds are birds. they obviously dont like us around, but you went on and on like your head was made of precious metal and you were about to melt. Please tell me you are a woman, or just vain.

    A bird actually landed on my head this weekend at a part in Colorado, that is how I found this "war and peace" novel on how you washed yourself at McDonalds.

    Heres, 20 minutes of my life I wont get back.

    Take a deep breath, you are not as special as you think you are.

    The bird probably laughed his ass off at you -

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6/11/2007 7:20 pm  

  • Anonymous loser: I scare you? What are you, a 6 year old little girl who's scared of her own shadow?

    You're pathetic! I posted about this a year ago and you felt the need to post such a ridiculous and rude comment just to insult a person you don't even know and who lives on a different continent from you? Wow. Some people sure have tons of free time on their hands. You're the one who chose to read this, so you OBVIOUSLY had those precious 20 minutes to spare! And it look you 20 minutes to read this post?! What grade did you leave school at?

    And hey, it has nothing to do with being vain or my head being made of precious metal (and it is, FYI - it's made of solid gold). 98% of humans in this world would have had the same reaction at having a cupful of bird shit on their head. Of course for a person such as yourself, who already has shit for brains, it's not that big a deal. You might not realize that birds carry disease and some of us don't like the idea of their feces on our skin. This is just so pathetically hilarious that this post made you so angry!

    And I certainly am as special as I think I am. And the fact that you just dedicated at least half an hour of your life to me for no reason proves it. You found me, buster, not the other way around.

    And also, what were you hoping to find in google when you searched for "bird landing on your head"? What did you think you were going to discover - that you are a Chosen One? "Take a deep breath, you are not as special as you think you are."

    Go back to selling your Passive/Electromechanical Components and Power Semi-Conductors or whatever it is you losers over there at Walker Component Group do.

    By Blogger Kleio, at 6/12/2007 12:13 am  

  • Actully I reached ur page when I was searcing in Google for a solution for the pigeons shit which is covering all the building am livin in!qatar.
    So they r driving me insane and we covered the ACs to force the pigeons to leave the bulding but they laid thier egg on windows!!
    They all here because there is a nearby bakery that but the bad bread he can't sell on his roof and they gather!!

    do anyone knoe how can I get read of these pigeons?!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10/23/2007 6:18 pm  

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