I HATE BIRDS!!

A FUCKING PIGEON SHIT ON MY HEAD!!

So there I was, on my way to HMV to buy some vinyls for my P. I stopped at a cashpoint on my way and was just about to pull my money out when I suddenly felt three thumps on the top of my head. I brushed the air around my head thinking it was a bug or something and turned to the people standing behind me in the queue (about four) and said, "What was that?!" They were all just looking at me with these vacant looks on their face - that typical Londoner impersonal expression that makes me want to smack people left, right, and centre. Then I touched the top of my head, and lo and behond, it was wet! I looked at my hand and it was covered in thick liquidy green and brown diarrhea! I was like "Shit!" and looked at the people behind me and they all still had those damn stoic looks on their faces. Zero reaction! If that was you, and someone standing right in front of you suddenly had a handful of bird poo fall on their head, wouldn't you react? At least laugh!! If it was me, I would have been like "holy shit a bird just shit on you!" and then offer some sort of empathy, and, of course, laugh a bit! But no. Bloody Londoners. Don't react to shit. Literally.

Anyway, as for me, with lots of cursing and close to tears, with my hands covered in shit, I managed to get my money out, put my wallet away, and head to the nearest McDonald's. I grabbed some napkins on my way down to the toilet and I rubbed my head and the napkin was totally covered in green shit! Oh, and by now, as the heavy wet shit was settling in, it felt nice and warm on my scalp. Ready to vomit yet?

So I went down to the toilet, and my luck the sinks were in a mixed area for men and women. And to top it all off, it had those annoying, as Seinfeld calls them "Alcatraz style" faucets - where they don't actually let you control the water flow. You have to touch this little circle on the wall and water spurts out for about 10 seconds. I was oblivious to everyone in the room and got started on my mission. First washed my hands like five times. Then I stuck my head over the faucet and essentially took a shower over the sink. The shit came pouring off and into the sink - there was sooooooo much!! I don't even know if people noticed or were wondering what I was doing. I used soap and just kept rubbing it clean. I have short hair, by the way, which is a blessing because it makes it easy to wash in a sink. But still - it was certainly caked in there. Once I got it out of my hair I turned around and found a bit on the back of my shirt. Fucking hell. Oh, and the McDonald's toilets had no napkins, so I actually had to get the piece off my back (which was hardening and keeping it's clean rounded shape) with my fingers!! Then washed my shirt and my hands another ten times. Suffice it to say, by then I was soaking wet. And I still had my headphone wires around my neck!

Then of course, the hand dryers were barely working. I kept holding my hands under and they wouldn't turn on. So finally I was like, fuck it! I went out into the main McDonald's dining area soaking wet, with water dripping down my head and neck and back, and got a huge pile of napkins and went back into the bathroom to dry off.

And mind you, not one person paid me any mind. Nobody even looked. I guess that's a good thing, but it says a lot about how Londoners just don't give a shit about anyone around them.

Of course I went straight home to shower and had to forego HMV. I had to pass by the same bank on my way home and I looked up on the ledge above the cashpoint where the bird had aimed from and there were like 5 pigeons up there and I swear to god, as I passed, one of them was looking at me and chuckling to himself. I SWEAR!!

I used about half a new bottle of shampoo and nearly a full bar of soap to get myself clean. What a traumatic day.

Is this enough evidence to show the world that me and birds just do NOT get along? I've had so many strange encounters with pigeons. I have had about three actually bump into my head while walking down the street (once in Paris, once in Prague, and once in Venice). Meanwhile I don't treat them with much respect either. P calls me a bird smasher. I have run over so many with my car (not intentionally - it's just that the birds in Surra are bloody retarded). One actually commit harakiri by smashing itself against my winshield (also a Surra bird). But so you see, the feeling is mutual.

Only positive thing about the Avian Flu - the notion that one day there might not be any more birds in this world. Honestly, what purpose do birds serve on Earth (and I don't count penguins in there of course because they don't fly)? And don't give me the whole "well we eat poultry so they do serve a purpose" shit because I just can't believe that these creatures that cause us so much trauma were created just for the sake of becoming a McNugget.

I was told by a friend tonight that a bird shitting on your head is meant to be good luck. Didn't feel much like good luck to me - until, of course, France won and made it into the knock-out stage! So all you French supporters have me and my shit caked head to thank for that one.